Sunday, March 19, 2006

Of Me, My Chrono Level, and the Ichthyogenians

Today is an important day in the history of the universe 'cause it is marked by two major milestones. And what is even more incredible is that these two events occurred at the exact same instant! How do I know? Well, thanks to me and my chrono level. Given that you are from planet Earth, the chances are exactly 99.99999783% that you wouldn't know what that is. Very precisely said, the chrono level is an instrument that measures the difference in the time of occurrence of two independent events to an accuracy of 0.000000001%. This means it is more accurate by eight orders of magnitude than common weather forecast services and by about 6 orders of magnitude than the premonition of an ant about an imminent earthquake. So much for figures. The device looks as plain and unpretentious as a spirit level and offers USB connectivity. All you need is a PC with a broadband internet connection and a licensed version of the Woogle Universe 4.2 software installed on it. Truly revolutionary, right?? And may I now very humbly introduce myself as the inventor of this nifty little gadget.


Of course you will be wondering how such an important invention could've remained shrouded from public attention all this while. Seven years back, when I first invented the chrono level
and Woogle Universe Beta, I approached some of the biggest entrepreneurs with my technology. The first one of them was so excited about it that it gave him a stroke. Not only did it fetch me an earful from his wife but it also cost me a fortune to keep her from suing me! It was quite an adventure for me, and I barely survived through it. And with whatever remained of my enthusiasm, I decided not to give up and approached a second person with my idea. But, by some odd chance, our conversation was overheard by his most powerful and influential rival. What ensued was a huge ego battle, the consequences of which were so shameful and scandalous that they better be forgotten.

All this led me into this bitter phase of extreme depression. I finally made up my mind to discard and destroy the accursed possession - the source of it all. I sat in front of my PC ready to format the hard drive that contained the results of the lengthy and tedious computations that led to my dear creation. Just as I was about to confirm formatting, there was this loud thud and the ground below me momentarily shook so hard that I thought it was the end of the world. It took me a while to gather myself together and to get up and stare out through the window. And even as I was looking, I felt a chill pass down my spine. My heart froze. I couldn't believe my eyes. In my backyard was standing what I first thought was a giant green cucumber. The next moment a door popped open on its wall and out came a creature that looked a lot like a slimy, green fish except that it was upright, was of about my height, and used the most unbelievable means to propel itself forward.

It came near my window and spoke to me in impeccable English with a clear Indian accent. "Fear not, friend. I mean no harm to you. I come from planet Ichthyoges, exactly 26.2 light years away."
The voice sounded so human, I felt rather comforted. But I was still blank.
He continued, "If you remember, the start- and the endpoints for the famous Milky Way Marathon are your planet and mine."

Nope, that didn't help me much. I still didn't speak.

But it seemed like he wasn't going to give up. He continued even more enthusiastically, "We even share our ancestry with you guys. Before the meteorite hit your planet, our intelligent forefathers, the ichthyosaurs, left your planet in a spaceship and started a new civilization in the planet now known as Ichthyoges which is our home today."

I was still as clueless.

Then he said, "Dear friend, we came all the way to ask you for your chrono level
."
"Huh?" That was the first syllable I uttered making it seem less like a monologue. And, from then on, my life changed.

He told me about how the success of the smart ichthyosaurs in different spheres of existence had gradually sown seeds of complacency among their descendants. The complacency manifested itself as extreme indolence and was beginning to influence the genetic make-up of the Ichthyogenians. Finally, the time came when the rest of the universe branded them as the laziest race ever. Ashamed as they were, their new president Spellsowaukee, who, owing to some mutation, was free of the deadly indolence gene, decided to take initiative to gather the race together and begin some ground-breaking work all over again. He did two things: 1. He passed laws to severely punish those who displayed various symptoms of laziness. 2. He kept searching for mutated individuals from the opposite sex who were devoid of the indolence gene and, with their help, reproduced bountifully to contribute a significant population of non-lazy Ichthyogenians. Brilliant measures! Success was his. In less than two hundred years, his community was shining again, and they were working on some of the most difficult science projects ever. The most difficult one of these was building a time machine. And that is exactly where they needed my chrono level. We immediately struck a deal. They acquired my invention and agreed to pay me in gold from time to time, the condition being I had to keep it a secret from the rest of the universe.

Now I am rich. However, I have to store my gold in a secret location underground (to avoid income tax complications) and live as a grad student (to account for a source of income). Now, going back to where we started (if at all you recall anything), I was about to tell you about the two major milestones of today - the two events, which according to my chrono level occurred at the exact same time: First, the Ichthyogenians finally launched their time machine after 183 years of intensive research. Second - this is more of a personal milestone - I managed to open my blog after 18.3 months of procrastination. If you have read this far, fear not! I'll definitely post shorter entries in future. So please visit my blog again!


6 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. Took me about 18.3 minutes to read and comprehend! Use your machine to dilate the time during periods of procrastination and publish more soon. A certain Mr. Lorentz with his equations can be of some help. Good luck!

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  3. by god... to think i was happy to see you start a blog!

    And yes, today is the day I completed the LA Marathon! :-).

    Congrats for your blog... will see what you have to offer.

    -A

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  4. and i thought Nolok was a simple village belle ......
    And i thought i would discover the teleporter and earn heaps of gold , but you beat me to that too.
    Nice to see you blog though

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  5. Ramakrishnan2:33 AM

    Why can't two events take place at the exact same time?

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  6. ok it took me 18.3 days to comment on it!!!Neway,better late than never.

    Definitely good debut.
    Ur machine reminded me of Annihillin/Omniscope/Miracurall :).

    Would have liked more had it not contained "Visit my blog again"! (I am being a critic here ;) )

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